Rules of Engagement

Each of us, consciously or not, has placed safeguards around our hearts-- often called “Rules of Engagement” or “Boundaries”-- to keep people out. The process of putting up these boundaries is not unlike the construction of a fort-- as perceived threats approach we retreat behind our walls and go on the defensive to protect the inner sanctum of our feelings. We throw up these walls in response to first-hand emotional trauma or when we observe others experience it. Our walls can protect us, but they can also box us in and prevent us from developing healthy relationships.

In each of our relationships it is essential to learn and then to honor the other person's rules of engagement if we want to develop intimacy. When relationships struggle it is usually because one or both individuals fail to do this. Many couples divorce as a result of poor communication, a problem that could be reversed if they understood the concept of boundary protection.

You have two homework assignments, to be completed within the next 48 hours:

1) Conduct a personal inventory. Figure out your rules of engagement and write them down in a place that will be easily accessible in the future.

2) With someone who you want to improve your relationship with, talk about each other's rules of engagement (first explain to them the concept if they don't understand already). Discuss each other's feelings and how you can both better respect each other's boundaries, and make an agreement to do so. Then write down a plan of action to carry it out. LDS Missionaries call this “Companionship Inventory.” It is powerful catalyst in speeding up the process of building trust, and if done so on a regular basis-- at least weekly, but also as soon as grievances arise-- will strengthen and advance relationships, even ones that are seemingly beyond repair (though admittedly these will take more time to heal).

Evaluation

What did you discover about yourself during your personal inventory? Do you feel like your self-awareness increased? Why?

What was the result of your companionship inventory? What did you learn about the other person? What did you plan to change to strengthen your relationship?

How effective was this exercise? Would you do it again? Why?

If you knew someone who was struggling in their relationships, would you share this with them? Why?

My own experience with companionship inventories has been remarkable. It saved at least three of my companionships from going kaput and gave me some very, very close friends.

Please let me know how your companionship inventory goes.